Who I am makes who I've been

I have always heard of amazing people joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and turning their lives around, but over the last six months I have witnessed an acquaintance totally do a 180 and go from complete inactivity and disregard for the church and the word of wisdom to blessing the sacrament today in church! Watching this process, and transformation has really been enlightening about not only what the gospel of Jesus Christ can do in a person's life, but also about persistence, and the will of a person to change, and let go of bad habits. It's really inspiring. 

Watching this particular person has been really interesting I have seen the change, not only in demeanor, but in the whole way they carry themselves. Seriously I have an enormous testimony of what the true gospel and teachings of Jesus Christ can do in a person's life! I love our amazing heavenly Father who is always there for his beloved children! If you want to learn more about how this amazing church can change your life Visit http://mormon.org/, or meet with the Mormon missionaries! 

Sippin on sunshine

*DISCLAIMER* Some of the views expressed hereafter are in no way doctrinal, but simply the bemusings of a 25 year old girl trying to sort out this crazy mixed up life.

I am going to try to organize my thoughts the best I can, so it will make sense to everyone. Before I get to ahead of myself, let's review (or perhaps learn for some of you) The Great Plan of Happiness, also known as the Plan of Salvation. I found a super cute perfectly illustrated plan!

Hopefully this diagram makes sense to you! Basically we lived with our Father in Heaven (God) before we were on this earth, we had the same spirit we now possess. Our Father in Heaven sent us to earth to gain a body, and learn. Our goal is to return to him perfected. We will be judged of our works, as well as the intents of our hearts, then we will live for eternity in one for three kingdoms of glory: Celestial (highest kingdom of glory where we can live with God and Jesus Christ), Terrestrial, and Telestial. Okay now that you are all up to speed, now my thoughts will make a lot more sense!

First off I want to start with a quote "It's like I'm participating in the Hunger Games, but I have forgotten why I volunteered." Anyone else feel like that sometimes? This life is hard. It is meant to be hard. It is a test. We each are given a tailor made maze to complete as we journey throughout this mortality. We have specific challenges God blesses us with in order to learn the things we need to learn to overcome our weaknesses.

The truth of the matter is, we all chose to come to earth, and be tested, or we would not be here. Just because we were "pro-earth" does not mean that we are home free. Now we have to prove that we truly wanted to come to earth to be perfected, and become as our Father in Heaven and his beloved son Jesus Christ.

Sometimes it seems like some chose God's plan (earth) simply because it sounded better than the alternative (Satan's plan, no growth). Our trials on earth are truly the refiner's fire. If we make it back to our loving Father in Heaven after weaving our way through our specific maze of life, making it through the bumps and bruises, and learning what we are supposed to learn, then we truly deserve to live out eternity as Gods and Goddesses in the presence of or Father in Heaven.

If we don't quite make it through life choosing perfection, the beauty of the plan is there is still a place for us! If we really did just choose earth life because our BFF chose it and we fail to pass our test, make it out of our maze, we will end up where we belong (one of the lower kingdoms). If we can't quite beat our the habits we form on earth (the ones we know are not in line with the Gospel of Christ) we will end up where we are comfortable.

"Who's on the Lord's side who? Now is the time to tell!" God knows the intents of our hearts, he knows what we want out of life. He will help us the best he can, but he also knows that we have to want salvation for ourselves. We will not become perfected beings if we do not endure this life, trials and all.
Elder Neal A. Maxwell gave an amazing talk called Why Not Now? back in 1974. So much of this talk rang true to me! Seriously, read it if you have a chance! One thing he says is:
"...when we tear ourselves free from the entanglements of the world, are we promised a religion of repose, or an Eden of ease? NO! We are promised tears, and trials, and toil! But we are also promised final triumph. The mere contemplation of which tinges one's soul."
Another portion of that talk reads "And, if you sense that one day every knee shall bow, and every tongue shall confess that Jesus is the Christ, and our Lord why not do so now? For in the coming of that collective confession it will mean much less to kneel down when it is no longer possible to stand up!"

Oh man this talk gives me chills! Elder Maxwell's words are so powerful! I love it! We cannot be luke warm in the gospel of Jesus Christ. We have to take a stand. We cannot simply glide through life not making important decisions, or learning from our trials. We cannot allow ourselves to wallow in self pity and play the "why me?" game. We have to get up, dust ourselves off, and try to figure out what the Lord is teaching us through our trials. It is most definitely not easy to do in the middle of the difficult things we must endure, but retrospect is a glorious thing! We must use the spirit to learn from our mistakes, grow from our trials, and endure to the end to be worthy of one day meeting our maker, and living an eternal life of happiness.

For some reason the thought our life before earth has always intrigued me. I have learned that we have the same personalities we had before, we also have the same strengths and weaknesses. We were not perfect beings before, but we must become perfected through Christ's Atonement. Our Father in Heaven does not expect us to be perfect, but he does expect us to try our best to be our best. In closing I'd like to leave you with some of my favorite quotes about fighting the good fight.

"For nearly six thousand years, God has held you in reserve to make your appearance in the final days before the second coming. Every previous dispensation has drifted into apostasy, but ours will not...God has saved for the final inning some of his strongest children who will help bear off the kingdom triumphantly. And that is where you come in, for you are the generation that must be prepared to meet your God...Make no mistake about it-you are a marked generation. There has never been more expected of the faithful in such a short period of time as there is of us..Each day we personally make many decisions that show where our support will go. The final outcome is certain-the forces of righteousness will finally win. What remains to be seen is where each of us personally, now and in the future will stand in this fight- and how tall we will stand. Will we be true to our last-days foreordained mission?"-Marvin J. Ashton

"You are a royal generation. The heavenly grandstands are cheering you on. The Lord is our coach and manager. His team WILL win, and we can be a valiant part of that victory if we so desire. Why would you ever want to spend one minute on the loosing team when you could choose victory and eternal life? Rise up oh youth of Zion! You hardly realize the great divine potential that is within you."-Ezra Taft Benson

"Be strong and of good courage. You are truly a royal spirit daughter of almighty God, and you are a Princess destined to become a Queen. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your once upon a time is now."-Dieter F. Uchdorf

"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike, you must remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection."-Jeffery R. Holland

"Our deepest fear is NOT that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE. It is our light, NOT our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does NOT serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. You were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in EVERYONE. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically LIBERATES others."-Marianne Williams

"I know He lives. I know He loves us. I know we can feel His love here and now. I know His voice is one of perfect mildness which penetrates us to the very center. I know he smiles and is filled with compassion and love. I know He is full of gentleness, kindness, mercy, and a desire to help us. I love Him with all my heart. I testify that when we are ready His pure love instantly moves across time and space, reaches down , and pulls us up from the depths of any tumultuous sea of darkness, sin, sorrow, death, or even despair we may find ourselves in and bring us into the light and life and love of eternity."-John H. Groberg

Champagne for my friends, real pain for my sham friends

The definition of friendship according to my favorite source Wikipedia is: "A relationship of mutual affection between two or more people...A World Happiness Database study found that people with close friendships are happier."
Wiki also listed certain characteristics commonly found within friendship: Affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, selflessness, mutual understanding, compassion, trust, enjoyment of other's company, ability to be oneself, express one's feeling, and make mistakes without fear of judgement.
Wiki also said friends tend to share common backgrounds, occupations, interests, or have similar demographics

To this list I would add for me personally friendship is: Loyalty, making time for one another, good conversation, ability to have fun together.

In a 1975 study Bigelow and la Gaipa found that expectations for a "best friend" become increasingly complex as a child gets older. They did a study which sampled 480 children between ages six to fourteen. They found three stages of development in friendship expectations:
Stage One-(baby)
*sharing activities
*geographical closeness
Stage Two-(child)
*emphasized sharing
*loyalty
*commitment
Stage Three-(teen+)
*desire for similar attitudes
*values
*interests

I found this fascinating, as we grow and develop our social skills our need for certain friendships characteristics change. I have seen this at work in my own life. People I thought would be my friends forever have slowly faded into only memories. It's also interesting how people come into your life for a time, then just as quickly move on, and out of your life. I believe that each person who comes into our lives is there for a purpose. There is something we need to learn from every person we meet. There is something special about all of the friendships of our lives. I know I have not only learned how I want to be treated in a friendship, but how not to treat my friends.

The friendships that have stuck around in my life are super important to me. I have come to deeply regard friendship as a two-way street. I will do anything for my friends, but if said friends won't do the same for me, they do not belong in my life. I have wasted so much time, and energy on people who do not treat me equally. I have learned that it is TOTALLY worth it to just cut them loose. It's like that saying "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't it never was."  This principle is tried and true in my life. I have let quite a few people go, some have come back, others never have. It's really the only true way to test a friendship.

One thing I cannot stand is a freeloading friend. This is a friend who really doesn't put effort into their own friendships, but keeps you around because you put effort into mutual friendships. This freeloading friend seems to always be around when you plan something with a mutual friend you don't see regularly. Back to the two way street, the thing about friendship is it's reciprocated. People can tell if you make time for them, and if you truly want to keep them in your life, or if they conveniently just happen to be there, or come when you plan something and invite them. There is a HUGE difference.

I've done a little experiment with one such freeloading friend. I have been planning my own outings with mutual friends, and not telling said friend. For the past sixish months freeloader has just let the friendships die out, but miraculously freeloader has reached out to one friend on their own! MIRACULOUS! This is a very important lesson for freeloader, you have to work for the things/people that are important in your life. You cannot count on others to do that for you.

The thing is, friendship takes a lot of time, and hard work, and I will be the best friend I can to those who will give me that time and work, but I will not tolerate freeloading, energy sucking, one way friendships. When I am in, I am all in, and I will be there for my friends for life! I love and appreciate the friendships in my life so much! I am so grateful for all that I have learned from my friends, and all that I will continue to learn from them! Thanks to all of you friends! I love you!

Brightest Morning Star

A few years ago we had the most amazing lesson about our individual talents! I have had a list of Talents I possess hanging in my room ever since. I figured it was about time to retire the list, but I don't want to just throw it away, so BLOG! haha! So these are the talents I have noticed I possess:

1.Creativity 

2. Hair design 

3. Organization

4. Braiding

5. Outgoing (people skills)

6. Assertive

7. Fast at texting (this was on my good ole blackberry! Good times!!!) 

8. Photography

9. Optimistic (happy)

10. Leadership

11. Listening

12. Hugging

13. Planning

14. Observant

15. Compassion

16. Prioritizing 

17. Loyal

Happiness is a warm gun

I was talking with a group of friends recently about happiness vs sadness. Without even thinking I blurted out "Being happy is just SOOO much easier then being sad. Sadness takes all of these draining emotions, you have to cry, your demeanor changes, you feel pain...not fun! Happiness just comes naturally, and it's contagious!" After the words escaped my mouth I immediately regretted them. What if happiness isn't as easy for the whole world as it is for me? What if some people have to work really really hard to be happy? What if some people are just faking it till they make it in the happiness department? Is happiness a state of mind? A predisposition? Are there different forms of happiness? Man, this really got me thinking! What is happiness?

I am very into words and definitions, so delving into my research the first thing on the list was a Wikipedia search! The definition of happiness according to Wikipedia (which of course is gospel!) is as follows: "Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well being characterized by pleasant or positive emotions ranging from contentment to immense joy." I loved that! Immense joy! That sounds euphoric!

Another thought from Wiki is that happiness is so fundamental to the human condition that we deemed it an unalienable right in the declaration of independence "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Obviously this whole happiness thing didn't just come up, it has been an uphill battle from the get go of humanity! I am reminded of a scripture: "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25) The fact that we focus so much on having or obtaining joy in The Gospel of Jesus Christ goes to show that it is not something that necessarily comes easily. It is something that must be worked at or obtained.

So how much of happiness is predisposed or genetic? We have all seen "happy babies", as well as colicky miserable babies, is that any tell tale sign of how happy the child will grow up to be? According to Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness 50% of a human's happiness level is genetically determined, 10% is affected by circumstances, and 40% of happiness is subject to self-control.To me those statistics mean that even in the worst case scenario, with the most unhappy genetics, and worse circumstances we still have the choice to be happy with the remaining 40%. Being dealt those particular cards in life, we would obviously have to work a lot harder to be happy. We would have to somehow turn that 10% of circumstance from a negative to a positive, just to be able to make out our genetics equal to our circumstance and self control, however it is possible to be at 50% happiness, even in the worst of cases!

According to psychologist Martin Seligman humans are happiest when they have:
1. Pleasure (warm bed, tasty food, baths, ect)
2. Engagement (or flow the absorption of an enjoyed yet challenging activity.)
3. Relationships (Social ties)
4. Meaning (a perceived quest or belonging to something bigger)
5. Accomplishment (having realized tangible goals)
*More studies conclude that happiness is also linked to serving others, as well as active participation in an organized religion.

Research shows that happy people live 14% longer (which equates to 7.5-10 years longer)

According to researchers Hills and Argyle happiness is directly related with extroversion. I found this fascinating! They found that the more extroverted a person, the more easily they deal with negative affects. Extroverts are more positive, and emotionally stable. This really makes so much sense! I feel like being an extrovert myself I can relate, one of the things that makes me happiest is being around my friends. People to lift me up, and reach out, and encourage me.. Another thing that these two researchers found is that happiness is more prevalent in extroverts because they are more likely to go out and find happiness, for example, being around people makes them happy, so they create more social occasions to be around people and thus becoming happier. Another study I found was by Ashton, Lee, Paunonen "...the core element of extroversion is a tendency to behave in ways that attract, hold, and enjoy social attention...one of the fundamental qualities of social attention is its potential of being rewarding. Therefore, if a person shows positive emotions of enthusiasm, energy, and excitement, that person is seen favorably by others and he or she gains others' attention. This favorable reaction from others likely encourages extroverts to engage in further extroverted behavior."

 Basically it's a cycle, one I have often found myself in the middle of. I like people, I have a party, I miss people, I have a party. I totally agree with this study, it is basically how my brain operates. I love the positive emotions, and validations of others, therefore I seek situations in which I can gain them.

Another interesting study by Kuppens found that when extroverts and introverts experience feelings of enjoyment, they engage in the emotion is different ways. "if everything is going well in an extrovert's life, which is a source of pleasant feelings, extroverts see such situation as an opportunity to engage in active behavior and goal pursuit, which brings about an active, aroused pleasant (or enjoyable) state. Yet, when everything is going good for introverts, they see it as an opportunity to let down their guard, resulting in them feeling relaxed and content."

Another reason to marry an extrovert eh?

 Okay, enough with the research and definition side of happiness, basically in conclusion happiness is totally different for everyone. Something I had never really realized. For some people (like me) happiness is something inanely there. Happiness is my cruise control setting. Others have to work far harder, and put in way more effort. To wrap it all up I will leave you with some random insights (complete with pictures) about the types of people I have encountered, and the forms of happiness they exude:

The Disney-This person is obliviously happy. Happiness is just there, no rhyme or reason.(perhaps they haven't experienced enough sorrow to actually know true happiness.)

The Eeyore-This person, no matter how hard they try, keeps getting knocked down by life. They fail to see life's beauties (ie a butterfly) as a blessing, but rather relate them to a curse, or sign that something bad is about to happen (ie about to destroy your house). This person tries to be social, and outgoing, but after being knocked down so many times cannot seem to find the energy to be positive, or seek out the positive in life at all. (These are the people whom you often encounter that seem to have negativity surrounding every aspect of their lives. They cannot seem find the happiness in the simple things they are blessed with.)

The Scrooge-This person has basically lost hope, and it will take a visitor to show them past, present, and future to recover. They are so far gone down the path of sadness and despair, that they have begun to lash out to those who they love and need most. This person is most definitely not fun to be around, and honestly does not want to be around you at all.

The Amelia Bedelia-This person constantly misunderstands everything and everyone, getting most everything in their lives wrong, and using their own innocent interpretations to take direction. Somehow this person manages to keep a positive outlook, and always seems to be happy regardless the circumstance. (Ignorance is bliss right???)

Bob the Builder-"Can we fix it? YES WE CAN!" This person takes the time to identify the problem, and come up with a solution. They do need encouragement from an audience of course, but this person always comes out on top with a little bit of hard work, and some positive reinforcements.

The Rome- "Rome wasn't built in a day," therefore happiness cannot be achieved over night. This person values the time it takes to prefect something, and while being happy is a constant battle they have the optimistic hope that one day they will reach their reality of true happiness.

The facebook-This person is socially happy, (extrovert syndrome of happiness I talked about before). This person needs social praise and approval of others, therefore posting a funny status, or great picture which elicits strings of comments and likes are all this person needs to be happy...be careful though, it's an endless cycle, and constant need for approval can be exhausting. This person also might have a problem with comparing their happiness to those around them. Remember you are uniquely you!

The Mother Theresa-This person embodies the above quote about spreading love. This person lives to make the lives of others happy, and by so doing is one of the happiest people there is.

Back to the statistics, if a person is genetically happy, (50%), circumstantially happy (10%), and self-imposed happy (40%) a person has the ability to be 100% happy! I hope that we can all achieve this kind of happiness!!!

It's not like I'm not trying, I'll give anyone a shot once

Here is the difference between boys and girls: Girls will give any boy a shot, boys refuse to take girls out they are not attracted to.

Lately this has been made overwhelmingly clear to me as I've observed a few different scenarios:

1. I was asked if I would go on a date with a boy who is not attractive to me at all, and has a voice defect making his voice higher then normal, after some internal debate I thought, you know what? Why not? What's the worst that could happen?

2. A friend was trying to set a another friend up, and asked a guy friend if he would take her out. The guy friend then asked for a picture, took one look and said "nah, she's not my type."

This poor girl in scenario two has had the same reaction by two different boys. What is it with men of my generation? Why do they think they are God's gift to the world. I can't speak for the first boy that didn't give her a chance, but I know for a fact guy number two is definitely not a 10 in the looks department, he doesn't have his life together, and should definitely not be so picky. It's so disheartening to see guys react this way. It's all about looks for most men. Women on the other hand generally will give any guy a shot once. What's a girl to do in a world where men overlook her, and even when she tries to take things into her own hands, it never works because ultimately it's up to the man?

This picture is so true! Men think they are hot stuff when they obviously are not, and women are just as hard on themselves as men are on them! Ridiculous! 

Switching gears a bit I was thinking and talking out (again with Laurel last night) how crazy it is for us to be 25 and not married while some of our peers are on third and fourth children. I started thinking how amazing it is that I am single, and how much more I know, then I would have known going into a marriage young.

1. People are the best version of themselves while dating. Anything that bugs you now will be magnified when you are married and living together.

2, Talking about intimacy/showing physical manifestations of love is CRUCIAL before marriage, especially if it is important to you. I just thought that all men loved sex no matter what, so I don't know that I would have ever brought up an awkward sex conversation if I had gotten married young, but now I realize that it is super important, and needs to be discussed, if we are truly in love it won't be an awkward conversation

3. Going to all three hours of church really does matter. It shows your commitment level to the gospel, not going, or skipping out early is a huge red flag because to me not only does it signify lack of commitment to the gospel, but other areas as well

4. Loyalty is the most important attribute to me. I want to be able to count on my partner. I want us to be able to talk about anything and everything, and we have to be able to trust each other, and be there for each other

5. Temple attendance ESPECIALLY in SLC where we have so many temples so close is SOOOO important to me. It is another tell tale sign of commitment, and priorities.

6. People can change. I have two clients who have tragic stories of their husbands changing years down the road, this is still something I have not completely overcome. Probably my biggest hold up in marriage. I am picky enough as it is, to think that I find a man who meets me criteria, only to have it all be an act. When he gets tired of the charade then I am high and dry either in an unhappy marriage, or on my own with the kids

7. Ability to communicate, talk things out is key in any relationship. If you run and lock yourself away in the face of confrontation, nothing will ever get solved in your marriage. You have to take the bulls by the horn, and actually talk about things with your partner, even things that may be hard or touchy.

8. The love languages are real! In order to truly feel love/show love to your partner you have to figure out how they receive love!

9 Motivation, goals, drive and ambition are super important to me. I want someone that not only succeeds, but who pushes himself to be the best he can be to provide for his family. I never thought that I would have to specify that I want a man who can provide, but seriously this world is scary! So many men living in their mother's basements with no jobs playing video games perfectly content with their lives. There are men with motivation, good jobs, education, and career goals too, and I want to find myself one!

10. I want a man who is a leader. Someone who can preside over the home, someone who holds the priesthood worthily, and who does his home teaching, holds and fulfills his church callings, and who can take charge and lead.

So far that is my list of lessons learned while being 25 and single. Seriously the list grows almost daily! I know I am where I am supposed to be in my life today!

I can't remember to forget you

I was having a nice little chat with Laurel last night, and made some amazing self discoveries! First of all I love being able to talk about the gospel with people, and learn and share insights! So we were talking about how neither of us really receive huge confirmations from God about what we should do in any given situation. It's most times super frustrating, especially when all you hear are amazing stories about the spirit confirming this or that in a way that totally cannot be denied. While Laurel and I were lamenting about our lack of guidance I had an amazing epiphany! I finally figured out how God speaks to me! In my patriarchal blessing it says that I have the gift of discernment, knowing right and wrong and which way I should travel on this path of mortality. I have always just thought "oh, cool! Sounds about right, I am pretty decisive," but after learning more about the word discernment I have become so comforted!

This is the definition from Wikipedia:
Discernment is the activity of determining the value and quality of a certain subject or event, particularly the activity of going past the mere perception of something and making detailed judgments about that thing. As a virtue, a discerning individual is considered to possess wisdom, and be of good judgement; especially so with regard to subject matter often overlooked by others.

Christianity

In Christianity, the word may have several meanings. It can be used to describe the process of determining God's desire in a situation or for one's life. In large part, it describes the interior search for an answer to the question of one's vocation, namely, determining whether or not God is calling one to the married life, single life, consecrated life, ordained ministry or any other calling.

I loved the meaning of discernment in Christianity. "determining God;s desire in a situation or for one's life". That one line speaks volumes to me! I suddenly realized that God trusts me to make decisions, and has blessed me with the ability to do so. People who need big confirmations of his presence, or his "OK" to do this or that aren't as sure of themselves as I am.

I remember growing up I always knew the Book of Mormon was true. I never doubted it, not even once. Going to youth conferences, EFY, and even just hearing talks about testing Moroni's challenge to ask God for yourself if the book is true always appealed to me. I just knew that if I read the book, and asked with faith God would basically tell me that The Book of Mormon is true. So as a youth I took the challenge: nothing happened. My testimony of the truthfulness of the BOM never wavered, but I never received the kind of confirmation I had expected. a bit discouraged I moved on. Later in life, around my college years, and after more faith promoting stories of testing Moroni's challenge I tried again. I waited for my answer: nothing. I haven't tried again since then, but last night I realized, you know what? I didn't need a huge confirmation. I didn't need an angel coming to me to tell me that The BOM is true. I don't need the spirit confirming it to me in an audible voice. I know the BOM is true. I know the church is true, I know that Joseph Smith restored the gospel of Jesus Christ in this dispensation. The same gospel that Jesus instituted when he was on the earth. God trusts me, he knows I have a strong testimony, he knows I will follow him with little confirmation. I have had my faith tested, and I have become strong because of it. 

Another story I thought of was my journey not to serve a mission. My Mom served a mission, so growing up wanting to be like my Mom I always thought I would serve a mission. It wasn't even a question. I just would. In a blessing it even stated that I would have feelings to serve a mission. I went off to college, had a fabulous time, graduated, went to hair school, then I turned 21 (back in the old days when you had to wait till 21 to serve). I had four months left to go in hair school, and this pivotal time in my life had arrived. Time to serve! I remember around my birthday calling my mom to discuss finances, and getting myself on a mission. Since I left the house I don't think I had talked to my parents once about wanting to serve a mission. I just assumed they knew, but as I got older, and age 21 approached my desire faded to the background of my life. It was always there in the background, but more as an obligation then a full fledged desire. After talking to my Mom (who completely discouraged me, and told me they couldn't afford to send me AND Jeremy out on a mission at the same time), I was pretty down. How could I just not go! My whole life had been leading up to this point! Talking to my BFF Elyse helped a lot. She told her parents, and the next thing I knew her parents were offering to finance a mission if I decided that is what I wanted to do. Oh crap! Now I had a huge decision to make. So I humbly go to the Lord in prayer, and sincerely ask what I should do. Nothing. No answer. I fast, pray again: nothing. So I go about life, finishing hair school, and figuring out my next move. Well as you know I didn't end up serving a mission, and for a while I felt like I had let my life get in the way of my service, even my devotion to my Heavenly Father, after all I couldn't just up and leave my life for a year and a half right after graduating hair school. What kind of salon would hire me if I didn't do hair for that long? I learned a very valuable lesson through this whole experience: first, God loves me, he cares about me, he knows me, he knows the desires of my heart. He is not disappointed in me in the least. It's true, I could have served a mission, and my life would have been greatly blessed I am sure, but not serving a mission was what I needed in my life. My 21st year was one of the best of my life. If had gone on a mission I would have missed out on many great times. I would not have met Kimberly Keele Lundquist, or Alli Meyer. I would not have been in the best single's ward in the world (the 24th ward), and I would not live in the best apartment complex ever (highland pointe), indeed my life would be very different! 

So why did I never get a confirmation about whether or not to go on a mission? How do I know I made the right choice? Well God trusts me. He knows me, and he knows what I need. I made the best decision I could at the time, and he accepted it. He guided me in his own way down a different path. I am so grateful for finally "getting it"! I finally KNOW that I do receive inspiration from the Holy Ghost. I do hear God's voice,  but the way I hear it is by people, and events, and feelings. I make decisions and go for them, if it's not God's will he provides an alternate route if you will. He brings me something bigger and better, and I derail the path for his new path. 

Decisions have always come pretty easily to me. I know this is because of my gift of discernment. The choice to move to Salt Lake, go the LDSBC, to move in with certain roommates, to leave certain roommates, to go to Provo to hair school, to choose Dallas Roberts as my hair school, to move to Cottonwood Heights, to apply for certain jobs, to talk to certain people, My heavenly father is so aware of me. He is so mindful of my hopes and dreams. He always takes care of me. 

One last little story: So last summer when I had reached a breaking point at my salon, and felt like everything in my life was so difficult I was convinced I was moving to Nashville with Carrie. This was the answer to all of my problems, a clean start. Well I prayed about it, I went to the temple, I earnestly sought an answer; nothing. So I moved ahead with my plans willing God to stop me if it was wrong. Little by little things in my current situation fell into place: I found a job at a new fabulous salon, I found a new roommate, things were definitely turning back around. My desire for Nashville sort of vanished. Surprisingly so did Carrie's. I know that was the hand of the Lord in my life. My Utah journey is not over yet, and Carrie needed to be with her family. 

I am so grateful for the guidance of the spirit. Even though I may never hear the voice of the Lord directing me in a certain direction, I know he is there. He always shows me his love, and trusts me enough to make my own decisions. The scripture "he who is compelled in all things is a slothful and not a wise servant" always comes to mind when I think of the way God speaks to me. I feel even more blessed and strengthened by knowing what I should do. I love my Father in Heaven, and am so eternally grateful for his amazing plan of salvation, tailor fit for my life. I am so grateful for the tests and trials I need to endure to learn what he would have me learn so that I can return to him stronger, and more perfected then when I left. I am so grateful to be on the earth in this last dispensation, and born into the gospel. I am grateful for every opportunity the Lord has blessed me with, and I love him dearly.