I can't remember to forget you

I was having a nice little chat with Laurel last night, and made some amazing self discoveries! First of all I love being able to talk about the gospel with people, and learn and share insights! So we were talking about how neither of us really receive huge confirmations from God about what we should do in any given situation. It's most times super frustrating, especially when all you hear are amazing stories about the spirit confirming this or that in a way that totally cannot be denied. While Laurel and I were lamenting about our lack of guidance I had an amazing epiphany! I finally figured out how God speaks to me! In my patriarchal blessing it says that I have the gift of discernment, knowing right and wrong and which way I should travel on this path of mortality. I have always just thought "oh, cool! Sounds about right, I am pretty decisive," but after learning more about the word discernment I have become so comforted!

This is the definition from Wikipedia:
Discernment is the activity of determining the value and quality of a certain subject or event, particularly the activity of going past the mere perception of something and making detailed judgments about that thing. As a virtue, a discerning individual is considered to possess wisdom, and be of good judgement; especially so with regard to subject matter often overlooked by others.

Christianity

In Christianity, the word may have several meanings. It can be used to describe the process of determining God's desire in a situation or for one's life. In large part, it describes the interior search for an answer to the question of one's vocation, namely, determining whether or not God is calling one to the married life, single life, consecrated life, ordained ministry or any other calling.

I loved the meaning of discernment in Christianity. "determining God;s desire in a situation or for one's life". That one line speaks volumes to me! I suddenly realized that God trusts me to make decisions, and has blessed me with the ability to do so. People who need big confirmations of his presence, or his "OK" to do this or that aren't as sure of themselves as I am.

I remember growing up I always knew the Book of Mormon was true. I never doubted it, not even once. Going to youth conferences, EFY, and even just hearing talks about testing Moroni's challenge to ask God for yourself if the book is true always appealed to me. I just knew that if I read the book, and asked with faith God would basically tell me that The Book of Mormon is true. So as a youth I took the challenge: nothing happened. My testimony of the truthfulness of the BOM never wavered, but I never received the kind of confirmation I had expected. a bit discouraged I moved on. Later in life, around my college years, and after more faith promoting stories of testing Moroni's challenge I tried again. I waited for my answer: nothing. I haven't tried again since then, but last night I realized, you know what? I didn't need a huge confirmation. I didn't need an angel coming to me to tell me that The BOM is true. I don't need the spirit confirming it to me in an audible voice. I know the BOM is true. I know the church is true, I know that Joseph Smith restored the gospel of Jesus Christ in this dispensation. The same gospel that Jesus instituted when he was on the earth. God trusts me, he knows I have a strong testimony, he knows I will follow him with little confirmation. I have had my faith tested, and I have become strong because of it. 

Another story I thought of was my journey not to serve a mission. My Mom served a mission, so growing up wanting to be like my Mom I always thought I would serve a mission. It wasn't even a question. I just would. In a blessing it even stated that I would have feelings to serve a mission. I went off to college, had a fabulous time, graduated, went to hair school, then I turned 21 (back in the old days when you had to wait till 21 to serve). I had four months left to go in hair school, and this pivotal time in my life had arrived. Time to serve! I remember around my birthday calling my mom to discuss finances, and getting myself on a mission. Since I left the house I don't think I had talked to my parents once about wanting to serve a mission. I just assumed they knew, but as I got older, and age 21 approached my desire faded to the background of my life. It was always there in the background, but more as an obligation then a full fledged desire. After talking to my Mom (who completely discouraged me, and told me they couldn't afford to send me AND Jeremy out on a mission at the same time), I was pretty down. How could I just not go! My whole life had been leading up to this point! Talking to my BFF Elyse helped a lot. She told her parents, and the next thing I knew her parents were offering to finance a mission if I decided that is what I wanted to do. Oh crap! Now I had a huge decision to make. So I humbly go to the Lord in prayer, and sincerely ask what I should do. Nothing. No answer. I fast, pray again: nothing. So I go about life, finishing hair school, and figuring out my next move. Well as you know I didn't end up serving a mission, and for a while I felt like I had let my life get in the way of my service, even my devotion to my Heavenly Father, after all I couldn't just up and leave my life for a year and a half right after graduating hair school. What kind of salon would hire me if I didn't do hair for that long? I learned a very valuable lesson through this whole experience: first, God loves me, he cares about me, he knows me, he knows the desires of my heart. He is not disappointed in me in the least. It's true, I could have served a mission, and my life would have been greatly blessed I am sure, but not serving a mission was what I needed in my life. My 21st year was one of the best of my life. If had gone on a mission I would have missed out on many great times. I would not have met Kimberly Keele Lundquist, or Alli Meyer. I would not have been in the best single's ward in the world (the 24th ward), and I would not live in the best apartment complex ever (highland pointe), indeed my life would be very different! 

So why did I never get a confirmation about whether or not to go on a mission? How do I know I made the right choice? Well God trusts me. He knows me, and he knows what I need. I made the best decision I could at the time, and he accepted it. He guided me in his own way down a different path. I am so grateful for finally "getting it"! I finally KNOW that I do receive inspiration from the Holy Ghost. I do hear God's voice,  but the way I hear it is by people, and events, and feelings. I make decisions and go for them, if it's not God's will he provides an alternate route if you will. He brings me something bigger and better, and I derail the path for his new path. 

Decisions have always come pretty easily to me. I know this is because of my gift of discernment. The choice to move to Salt Lake, go the LDSBC, to move in with certain roommates, to leave certain roommates, to go to Provo to hair school, to choose Dallas Roberts as my hair school, to move to Cottonwood Heights, to apply for certain jobs, to talk to certain people, My heavenly father is so aware of me. He is so mindful of my hopes and dreams. He always takes care of me. 

One last little story: So last summer when I had reached a breaking point at my salon, and felt like everything in my life was so difficult I was convinced I was moving to Nashville with Carrie. This was the answer to all of my problems, a clean start. Well I prayed about it, I went to the temple, I earnestly sought an answer; nothing. So I moved ahead with my plans willing God to stop me if it was wrong. Little by little things in my current situation fell into place: I found a job at a new fabulous salon, I found a new roommate, things were definitely turning back around. My desire for Nashville sort of vanished. Surprisingly so did Carrie's. I know that was the hand of the Lord in my life. My Utah journey is not over yet, and Carrie needed to be with her family. 

I am so grateful for the guidance of the spirit. Even though I may never hear the voice of the Lord directing me in a certain direction, I know he is there. He always shows me his love, and trusts me enough to make my own decisions. The scripture "he who is compelled in all things is a slothful and not a wise servant" always comes to mind when I think of the way God speaks to me. I feel even more blessed and strengthened by knowing what I should do. I love my Father in Heaven, and am so eternally grateful for his amazing plan of salvation, tailor fit for my life. I am so grateful for the tests and trials I need to endure to learn what he would have me learn so that I can return to him stronger, and more perfected then when I left. I am so grateful to be on the earth in this last dispensation, and born into the gospel. I am grateful for every opportunity the Lord has blessed me with, and I love him dearly.