Castles in the sky

Do you ever have one of those letters that you have to write, but not send? You have to get the words out of your head and into the cosmos somehow, but actually sending it might not be the right thing to do at the time? Well that is what I need. I know posting it online for the world to see may not seem like the brightest idea, but I have nothing to hide. I don't want to actually send the letter, but if the parties involved happened upon it I wouldn't be ashamed of anything. :) So here it goes:

Dear *Jan & *Marnie,

I just wanted to let you both know that I will not be coming to the bridal shower. I would like to tell Marnie congratulations, and I am happy for her, and thank you for thinking of me. However, I just cannot go on helping you indulge in the misconstrued fantasy that nothing ever happened between us. I don't know if you realize this or not, but things were so bad I MOVED OUT! In order to ever be on good terms with either of you I really need some closure on this whole issue, and more importantly an apology.

You both really hurt me deeply. I have no idea what I ever did wrong, or why you two suddenly turned against me, and hated me. I am not going to ignore you, or be uncivilized, that is not who I am. I just can't let you get off so easy as to just let you try to become friends again without owning up to the mistakes that you made, or even telling me what the problem was in the first place. Making amends is definitely in order. Life just does not go on...people need to resolve the issues that arise, or else deal with a lot of pent up feelings in the end.

I doubt either of you will deny the deep friendship we shared. Apparently it wasn't that deep for you to just throw it out the window. I think what hurts the most is the fact that indeed we WERE close. We shared amazing memories, secrets, pictures, and fun times, so how could our friendship be tarnished in a matter of a month, over nothing?

As for Jan this was our second shot at friendship I really don't know what there is left to mend. Definitely not trust on my end. Me, you and *Kate were all BFF at the beginning of freshman year. We were inseparable. Then suddenly you break off all contact with us. For no reason and with no explanation. I just don't get it. Why? Can you only have one friend at a time? I really just don't understand. So then when *Lacey and you started drifting apart, you came crawling back to Kate and I. We took you back with open arms, there was no apology, no closure, no speak of what even happened before. I will not allow that to happen twice. This is not right. You need to grow up and take responsibility.

Now is that same thing happening? Marnie is getting married so you need a friend again? I am sorry but you will just have to find a new outlet for your twisted ways of friendship. I can't go through this again. As the old adage goes "shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice. I will not repeat past mistakes. Those few months in the end were the WORST of my entire life. It was miserable, and took me months to overcome.

And as for Marnie, I was always so happy to be on your good side because I knew the verbal abuse that happened behind the backs of those that you despised. How in the world did I get on the other side of that fence. I mean help me out here. If I made a mistake tell me. Honestly I believe the mistake was on your side, not mine.

That being said. Have a good life, and don't expect me to be a part of it anymore. I once was, but will not make such mistakes again. Don't think I won't ever forgive you and that I am holding a grudge. It is not at all like that. I would love to forgive you, in fact I think I have forgiven you, and gotten over it, but I just refuse to make the same mistakes again. That is part of growing up, and going through trials. All I want is closure and an apology. Is that so much?

Sincerely,
Jessica


*Names have been changed to shield the guilty

The way I feel

SICK! I feel sick! Miraculously all of the kids at school are healed! Not one is still sick. :) But then there is me! I felt fine over the weekend! Then suddenly I wake up at 3Am with this congestion, and I cannot breathe through my nose, forcing me to breathe through my mouth, and therefore making my throat sore, and dry! All day I debated going to work and school. I ended up doing both. My reasonings:

Work-I can't afford to miss a day.
School-I can't afford to miss a day.

I feel loopy, and out of it. I feel miserable! I just want to fall asleep and wake up next week, but I can't afford to do that! I am so sick of living paycheck to paycheck! As it is right now I don't have enough money to pay my rent! This next pay check should give me barley enough. But then there are utilities, and cell phone bills to pay. Not to mention my credit card! I cannot stand breathing through my mouth! UGH!

I feel so helpless right now! I'm exhosted, but I have so much to do! I have 3 tests this week, and 1 assignment! Luckily I wrote my papers already so I don't have to worry about those till next week. I am sick of all of the repetitiveness! Each week I have a paper due in music & culture, each week I have a test in Project Management. Each week I have things to read for Teachings of the Living Prophets. It sucks! I just want a week without work! Well I guess I'll have that when I graduate!

DANG! On top of it all I just remembered that I have to work at 9AM tomorrow! I wanted to sleep in and get rest! Guess that won't be happening. I really hope I am feeling better by then!

I also am trying to get all of my W2's back (I have 3 jobs to get them from and so far have not received one! I guess that's one of the draw backs of moving so much!), and trying to apply as a substitute teacher for the school system. I am really not getting very far with either of those objectives right now! I just want everything to start coming together! I want to feel better right now, and start getting things done.

My life plan is already going to have to get set back a bit because of money. I will have to work the whole summer full time in order to pay for cosmetology school. Then I'll probably have to get a job while in school too. It is going to suck! 8-5 school, then work after that! UGHHH!!! Life for the next year is going to kill! Then there is a mission to be worried about. I wanted to start school asap, so I can go on my mission when the time comes, but as it stands now I will probably be 22 or almost 22 before I can even think about going.

I just want to make sure my life is in order first. I want to graduate cosmetology school before I abandon anything. Life just isn't that pleasant right now. It's rather dreary, busy, and mundane. I just want to get on with life. I want to get out of school so I can work to live, and not work to support every aspect of my life. (including school and a mission) UGH! I am so frustrated...and sick! I feel terrible! :( I don't want to work tomorrow!!!

Because the wind is high, it blows my mind!

If honesty is the best policy does that make dishonesty, by process of elimination, the second best policy?

Thinking myself dizzy

Have you ever had something so happy happen to you that you...cried? Yeah me neither! I don't get it!!! Crying is for sad people, it conveys a negative emotion. People that cry when they are happy must be emotionally confused! I like to be there for my friends, and comfort them when they are down, but when they are happy crying it confuses me. I just don't know what to do! Do I laugh, comfort, leave, help?!

Maybe I just don't relate because I am not a crier, but seriously how hard can it be? Sad, cry-happy, smile. Doesn't seem that complicated to me. So that is about it, happy criers are emotionally confused. The end.

I have a label maker and I'm not afraid to use it!

In high school I used to come home from school every day and watch HGTV. It was my favorite! Mission Organization, Divine Design, Design on a Dime, and Crafters Coast to Coast; just to name a few. I felt inspired to watch it right now, but alas I cannot find the remote control. Therefore watching tv would require too much effort. (Sad I know!)

Ok good news! My computer has frozen like 2 times since that first paragraph (not the good part...) so I got up and found the remote! haha I'm watching while you were out. :)

When I was in high school and in my designing mode, I toyed with the idea of becoming an interior designer. Just the satisfaction the designers on the show get from helping people. I loved seeing the finished products. Your house should represent you, and be a place where you love to be, and are comfortable showing off.

I love to entertain so I need a house the reflects that. Somewhere where my guests feel comfortable. I just can't help thinking, what if I had become an interior designer!?

It's no conicidence that I've come, and I can die when I'm done.

Whenever anyone asks my Dad how he is he always respond with an enthusiastic "I'm fat and happy!" This answer has always somehow bugged me, I mean can you really be fat and happy? Sure it's possible, but is it your reality? I guess I'm not HUGely fat, and anyone who knows me knows that I am not unhappy, but I suppose deep down DEEP DEEP down, (below all the fat I guess! haha) I feel like I would be happier if I could change a few things about myself.

Lately I have been feeling so unhealthy!!! Pretty much all I eat are carbs because they are cheap, easy, and on the go. I have sandwiches at school, because I don't have time to make things in between work and class, then I'll eat pasta when I'm at home and do have time to cook. It just seems like all of the nutritious stuff is SOOO expensive! And takes so much effort to prepare. Why is it so hard to be healthy?!?! I just hate it! The world is so cruel, ney, unfair! (cliche I know)

So on that note I was thinking about fat people, and you know what I noticed? Most people who are overweight feel like they have to compensate for it in some way, and most of them are ridiculously funny! And if they aren't ridiculously funny they try really hard (you can tell) so you laugh just to humor them.

I am the kind of person who feels like I have to laugh whenever I know someone is trying to make a joke, just to humor them. I mean they tried! Also maybe that is why I'm funny. Deep down I feel like I have to prove something to all the skinny beautiful people. Personality is really important too!

But I want you to think about this...are you thinking...think of your favorite fat friends! They are so funny right??? I can think of like 3 right now! And I can think of one who thinks he's funny, but really he comes across as rude, annoying, and makes me feel like I always have to laugh when he talks. Plus it is almost as if he is condescending! UGH! But being the person I am, I can't help but be nice. :) Ok that is all I have to say about that! And Liz needs to use my computer! MUCH LOVE!

I want to find somebody to love!

So it's Valentine's day...I guess I have to pay some kind of homage. It is now 2Am and I can't sleep. Why you ask? Because Keli and Kyle decided that we should party and get drunk! haha well ok maybe it wasn't alcohol...we took shots of apple cider, mountain dew, sobe, and propel. It was so silly and yet absolutely exhilarating! I was all wound down watching a movie with Thomas and Liz, and Keli walks in "let's have a party!!!" So we did, and we were laughing like none other! It was a blast! We just kept making weird concoctions, and making fun of each other and laughing and having a great night!

I was thinking the three people I care most about in the world all have significant others. At first I was like "it's so annoying and makes me realize how single I am!" But after further thought (and of course a pros and cons list jk), I realized I really love all 6 of those people! And even better I love how they all make each other so happy!

Keli & Kyle: They always make me laugh, and feel like I am included in everything they do. They never want me to feel left out, make an effort to come to my parties, and go to the gym with me. Kyle genuinely cares about me.

Liz & Thomas: We have such good conversations! We laugh, and be sarcastic, and joke, and really have fun! I can hang out with them all day and never get bored! Literally! Thomas always asks me how my day was.

Rob & Erika: What can I say? I love them both so much! They are fun together and fun apart! We have inside jokes, and it's always fun! Erika is always there for my texting pleasure!

The only thing about hanging out with couples is the whole PDA thing! I mean I LOVE all of my attached friends, but sometimes it's just a little awkward! I really am lucky though, at least I love all of their bf/gf's! I just want to let them all know if they are reading this that I love them, I'm so happy that they love me, and try to keep me involved in their lives (even when I don't want to because it's awkward! haha) I don't think they could ever know how much that means to me!

Circles never end

The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart

and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic.
Adaptable But needs to express themselves.
Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile.
Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips.  May
seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful

physically and mentally.

Traditional
Gemini traits

Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively


On the dark side....

Nervous

and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive

LIKES
• Talking
  Novelty and the unusual
  Variety in life
  Multiple projects all going at once
  Reading
  

DISLIKES
• Feeling tied down
  Learning, such as school
  Being in a rut
  Mental inaction
  Being alone

These hands can create something better for bettering

"Oh my gosh he has his father's eyes!!!"
"No he has his mother's nose."
It is just so narcissistic. Do we want little prodogy's of ourselves running around? Why? To fix the mistakes that we made? To give them everything we ever wanted? To make better people for the future? Or better selves for the future. Something to continue on our legacy and our heritage.

I am a firm believer in individualism. "Every star is different, and so is every child. Some are bright and shiny and others meek and mild." Working with kids is the funnest most rewarding job I've yet had. It is so amazing to see their little minds at work. You notice things you never would have seen through any other light.

The fickleness of their strong friendships. Their willingness to share, lead, and follow. Everyone wants to be the line leader. Everyone wants to pick the game. I can't wait to have a family of my own, and see what stars heavenly father has chosen for me. I am so excited to raise a family and have new little friends. (I am also a firm believer in being friends with your family. I want my family to be able to come to me and tell me everything that is on their minds. I want them to be a tight knit little group. Imagine little ducks all in a row. ;))

As I deconstruct my thoughts at this computer

You know how when you are little and you parents or another slightly less annoying adult says the faithful words "because I said so!" it irks you to the 10th degree! You want to do everything in your power to uncover the "real reason" because you are so sure that there must be one. You promise yourself then and there that you will NEVER say that to your kids, or any other kids under your charge. Then one day...it happens! It slips through your lips like an old familiar refrain.

As soon as you realize what you said you want to take it back! You are so shocked that you actually said it. The only problem is that you can't take it back because it will show inferiority! You just can't let a kindergartener think for one second that you don't know exactly what you are doing. So you sit there and think..."why did I just say that?" Then it hits you! It's all in the magic of the words. You are in control. You don't need a reason. You know best, and you know that kids could get hurt if they don't listen to your council.

I promised myself that I would never say "because I said so" to my kids because it isn't giving a reason. The story behind this blog is that a bratty little kid was climbing a tree at recess and I was like "Hey! Get down!" and he said "why?" and I said "because I said so!" Then I realized what I said! It was too late! I couldn't turn back now! So I just went with it. I should have said because you could fall and break your neck! That's why you stupid little brat! haha well we all know I wouldn't have said that so for now I'll just keep trying and we'll see what happens in the future.

Feeling the sting of just how single I am

So I am driving to work Saturday afternoon, signing pretty loudly to a song that perfectly described my life at that moment, and suddenly I was bombarded by a string of red banners adorning the north end of State Street. They read "marriage week February 10-16th"

Now don't misunderstand me on this one...but what the heck?!?! It's great that we are promoting marriage, but what about all of us single people just trying to get through the month of February and especially the 14th with a smile on our faces??? What about us singles? Just another slap in the face, and single awareness mayday sign. Well just thought I'd share.

June roses in the December of my life

So get this! Last fast Sunday randomly this guy got up and bore his testimony and said that he had no idea why he was even in our ward, he was trying to meet his friend, but his friend wasn't in this ward. So happenstancely he ended up in our meeting that day. Then today the same guy got up and told us that he still isn't in our ward, but that Sunday when he accidentally came to our ward, he met a girl in the ward, who in turn made him want to keep coming back. They are together now, and I could be wrong in this assumption, but there was a ring on her finger...

To me that is so cool. I do not believe in coincidences. I think that everything happens for a reason. God truly places us in certain situations to help us, or show us things that we need in this life. President Monson gave a talk in October call "Mrs. Patton Arthur Lives, Continued" In it he tells the story of this impression to speak to Mrs. Patton (a women from his childhood) directly who was not a member of the church. President Monson had no hope of Mrs. Patton even hearing the message, but "ironically" enough she was invited by some members who lived near her to come to that specific session of conference. She heard the message specifically tailored to her, and heard her own name mentioned from the pulpit. Later President Monson received a letter from her thanking him.

President Monson stated that it was no coincidence that he was impressed to speak of Mrs. Patton that day. It was no coincidence that Mrs. Patton had neighbors invite her to that very session of conference. No coincidence that she accepted the invitation. There are no such things as coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we may not understand the reason, or even see the point of the things that happen in this life, but we can all be assured that it is all part of God's plan for us. It makes me so grateful to know of God's apparent love for me. I want to resolve to noticing and thanking him more frequently for the blessings which he sends.

Weight of the world singing sorrow

Don't you hate it when people disappoint you??? I hate being let down! I think I have really high hopes for people and so when they let me down I really take it personally. When I make plans, I PLAN to keep them! I don't just go around making plans. And when people make plans with me I expect them to have the common decency to keep the plans we make. Tonight I was totally disappointed and I hate being disappointed. UGHHH that's all I have been able to say for the past 2 hours! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Do You Feel-Rocket Summer

I'm thinking about other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things for bettering
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off from time to time Sometimes I convince myself that all is fine in the world It's not mine Why should I have to try to fix things I didn't create or contrive

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have so many things

Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your things
Yeah we all so many things
And I can get past these things

Ohhh

Mr. Loveable

Soulmate-Natsha Bedingfield
Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find
Is it possible Mr. Loveable is already in my life? Right in front of me or maybe you're in disguise
Who doesn't long for someone to hold who knows How to love you without being told somebody tell Me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

So this song pretty much embodies my feelings at the moment. All of a sudden it's like I wake up and it's single awareness day for me! Liz has a boyfriend as of last night, and now I am the only single one in my apartment. And of course there's Rob and Erika. I mean I am so sick of all of my single friends pairing off! It makes me want a relationship for all the wrong reasons. Not for the relationship itself, no, but to keep up with my freinds and hang out with them without feeling awkward and like a 3rd wheel.

As Elyse so eloquently put it last night (in regards to a movement of music, but I am comparing it to hanging out with couples) They just lure you into a dark corner and then bite your head off! It's like they are saying oh yeah come hang out with us! We love you! We miss you! Then the whole time they are hugging, holding hands, kissing, and showing you everything that you long for, but don't have. Then they wonder why you don't want to hang out with them.

Don't get me wrong I am not against PDA, I know that if I had a boyfriend at the moment I would love holding hands and kissing, even if it was in public, but I guess it is just a hypocritical thing in me that it is just so awkward to see!!! Especially if it is just the three of you!

So that's basically all I have to say about that, but in other news Elyse's friend Whitney brought up a very valid point last night regarding rap music. The song was spelling "independent" And she was like what is up with rap songs teaching us how to spell??? lol that is so true!!! Think of how many songs you know that they spell out something, Fergie's-Glamerous, even Natasha Bedingfield's-Angel. Just something for you to chew on. :)