While sitting in church yesterday I was pondering my life; About why lately I feel so out of control! I think I have finally figured it out. I feel like I am just going vainly through the actions of life. I am not really taking time on any particular thing, just coasting through trying to get done with certain segments in my life, with every intention of moving on to the next and subsequently better segment of my life. This is a horrible attitude to have! Of course I don't consciously harbor this attitude, but that is totally what is going on!
I mean I am not making any major mistakes or anything, it's just I am not devoted...to anything! School, church, I guess the only thing I am truly devoted to are my friends. It seems like they are what I ditch out on my other responsibilities for. I neglect homework and scripture study to go hang out!
I am just going through the actions of the things I know I am supposed to be doing. I guess this way I can reassure myself that I am doing the right things and living the way I am supposed to. But am I really living as righteously as I like to think if I am not gleeing anything from it? What good is the principal with out the practice?
Lately I have felt so hard hearted and like nothing spiritual can even penetrate me! I feel like I am at a stand still in my spiritual growth! And I have heard time and time again that if you are not going forward you are going backwards! I do not want to go backwards! I have spiritual goals to accomplish! Let me accomplish them!!!
I need to make a change and not tomorrow...not next week when I think I'll have time; but NOW!!!
This is another trap I often fall into!!! I often tell myself..oh tomorrow I will do that. Like often when my head is hitting my pillow I think man I should kneel down and pray, but instead I just lay right there and spout out some half hearted prayer, and then I think oh man I need to read my scriptures! But the light is all the way across the room, so I reassure myself that I will totally read the next night. Does it ever happen? Well I won't say never, but usually no.
This is horrible! I feel like a rotten person! I used to be so disciplined. I am not even kidding. I used to write in my journal, read my scriptures and pray EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! EVERY NIGHT! And then I got into college, had more freedom, and slowly my journal writing and scripture reading dwindled. As of today I haven't even written in my beloved journal since like...June? July? July I think....And let me tell you there has been a whole lot to write about! My life has been really juicy these past few months! haha.
And that is the other trap I fall into! I tell myself well so much has happened it will take me weeks to write it all down! Then finally I get the urge to do so, and it is just mundane and just the basics of what has happened because by then I have told the story so many times I am not so detail oriented, and I don't really care as much.I just want to get through one story and on to the next so I can feel caught up. But life keeps going so every day it takes me to write more and more is happening and this obviously results in me feeling overwhelmed!!! I feel that I need to record what has been going on though! I have learned some great lessons and I think my posterity would appreciate it!
I have just been feeling the need to complain lately! I have 2 rotten teachers. I mean I think I could handle one rotten teacher, but 2???? UGH??!!? First is business finance....he is horrible!!! He has no idea what the crap he is doing teaching wise. I mean he is a really qualified person to be teaching accounting, and since business finance incorporates accounting it comes in pretty handy, but he doesn't follow the schedule, and one week we will have no homework, and the next we have mountains every night! It is so inconsistent, and I hate it! Plus everyone is always lost! He never explains things! He just expects us to do it. He expects everything that we do to be perfect, and for us to work in groups for EVERY assignment OUTSIDE of class. How in today's busy world is that even possible?!??!
Then there is my psychology teacher. He is a nut case himself! I swear he needs to psychoanalyze himself! He is so obtuse and nothing he says sounds relevant. He just sits there and tells us horror stories all night. Then the tests come and things show up that we never even talked about! It leaves me wondering why I am PAYING to take this class. Last week our test was canceled because he "lost them" and I mean I am not complaining that we didn't have to take the test because I was NOT ready, but as a teacher, what kind of excuse is that?? He wasn't prepared? So what did we do? Watched Cast Away...that's what....crazy!!! So basically I just paid to watch a movie I have already seen...
Another little interjection here... I feel like I don't really care about school anymore! The thought vaguely crossed my mind to drop out! Then I snapped back to reality and said "are you crazy? Have you lost your mind??? You...Jessica Marie Hobbs would never quit anything...especially school!!!" So then I talked myself out of it, but for a split second I thought about it! For the first time in my life I was so overwhelmed that I wanted to give up!
I feel like all I am doing is trying to get on to the next phase of my life. All through elementary it was like "get good grades for jr. high" then all through jr. high "get good grades for high school." then all high school "get good grades, and be ultra involved so you can get into a good college." now I am in college (and I didn't even get into the college I worked so hard to get into!!! Which is another thing that pisses me off! I mean what more did they want?? I was ultra involved in EVERYTHING and had a 3.9 all through high school!!!) and I am thinking just get through it period! You aren't transferring, so you just have to get through it! Then on to the fun stuff! cosmetology!
I am never satisfied. I am sure when I am in cosmo. school I will just be thinking get done so you can work in a salon! Why am I never satisfied? Why can't I just be happy with the here and now? With the current state that I am in? It isn't too bad!
There is so much going on right now that it just disgusts me! I have 2 jobs and am still extraordinarily poor! It is unbelievable! How in the world does that happen??? How are my expenses THAT outrageous that even 2 jobs cannot sustain me? I hate money! I hate having to worry about it, and scrimp and save, and not go clothes shopping whenever I want.
All my life I have wanted to live in the city where shopping was all over! At a premium! Now that I do live in the city, I NEVER get to go shopping because A. I never have time and B. I never have extra cash! It is so depressing! I haven't bought new clothes since...June!!! ahh!!! And then It was only like a shirt! What is the world coming to? This is just entirely depressing!
How much sense does that make. I have no time to shop because I am earning money, but then at the end of the day I still don't have money to spend shopping anyways!?!?! ugh! Work to shop, but then shopping never comes because bills are more important!
I hate this growing up stuff! It is tough! It is really hard! I never have time! I have to schedule things weeks in advance so that I can mentally prepare myself and make sure I'm not working and all my homework is done. It sucks! I can't just hang out with people because I am always busy! :(
I just have this overwhelmed cloud floating above me! It sucks! I want it to go away!!! NOW!!!
I think the only place I find solace is at the LH. As weird as that sounds whenever I am there I don't think about all of my problems, and stress (well besides telling them to my co-workers anyways :)) I am just happy and carefree. I think that is why I love it so much! I feel so happy and at home. I feel loved. Once again a shout out to my great co-workers! I love you guys so much!!! You are like my second family!
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